sometimes, you watch a movie

sometimes, you watch a movie about a poet and question the authenticity of your life. A mr. Miguel Pinero. a true poet. honest. such a rare thing in art i think. i keep having this feeling that i should disappear for a while. spend four months hiking and camping along the pacific coast trail. but then, that is unrealistic, for who would pay my bills to support this searching for some unnknown thing? I sometimes wonder, if i'll wake one day late in my life and weep an eternal sorrow for all of the excuses i found not to truly live. other times, i think i am truly living. maybe it's the fever speaking. i am ill today. spent my morning with my parents and the rest of my day in bed. how dear of them to drive so far to see me for only a few hours. they love me so completely. purely. it overwhelms me sometimes. yes, i am the only son. the american boy who is almost thirty. questioning the path of his life incessantly. but i said i wouldn't walk until 100% had been given, and it hasn't yet. so i stay on. remembering new york, and feeling sad that pinero couldn't find peace in the quiet places. i wonder what he would think of me. of my art. is it real miguel? am i real? soon i will be asleep, the light breeze from open windows licking at my skin. curled into a ball of silence and cloth. and dreams.

Posted by at September 10, 2002 10:04 PM

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