too much thinking

somehow, amidst the tornado that we call "the holidays," i find time to paint. i also find {or rather, make} time to apply to graduate school. a fact that for several reasons i've avoided writing about here. first, i must be honest in saying that i wish i was "successful" enough as a musician and writer that i didn't feel i had to do this. but then, it's all relative i suppose. also a matter of timing. perhaps this will be better for my creativity and my spirit than i could ever begin to imagine. i therefore approach it with excitement, and the entrails of such negativity, begin to wither in the sun. or snow, as it may be.

secondly, i don't want to have to admit to you folks if i don't get in anywhere, because as much as i would like to think that it's entirely subjective and i wouldn't take it at all personally, i figure that just isn't true. but then why do i assume that i have to ever write about it again, that i have to detail the foils of this decision.

if anything, this forum is a place where i write selectively about whatever i choose on any given day. for all you know, i could be accepted to a thousand schoools, and then decide at the last minute that i have changed my mind entirely. next fall may see keri and i raising sheep in southern spain. doubtful, but one never knows. furthermore, why do i care what you folks think about my intellect? {assuming of course that my acceptance or refusal has anything to do with my intellect} as much as i try to tell myself i don't care what other people think {and for the most part i'm pretty good at this} i find that we all do to some extent. it is to some degree, what makes us human after all.

anyway, what this all adds up to, is the simple fact that applying to graduate school is a pain in the ass, and costs a lot of money. i've been saying to keri, that i think i should write a book about the absurdity of the GRE, and the poor design of university websites. boo hoo. pull out your violins.

and for the record, i still haven't been able to load those damn songs onto my machine. of course while this all sounds rather whiny, i'm really in good spirits and have nothing to complain about. here i sit wondering where the sun has gone this last month, when nearly 100,000 are dead in asia, and the war chugs along in the middle-east. good god. sometimes our ethnocentrism makes me sick. and here i am worried about money. perhaps i should take all of this grad school money, and send it over there to people who really need it. write a letter to the prospective schools, explaing that i still wish to apply and attend, but that i've sent my money to people who need it. wouldn't it be amazing if we lived in a world where that worked? where they would reward such a thing. perhaps it's my job to make that a reality. or perhaps i just need to sort out my brain a bit today. too much thinking, too little walking. not enough music. poetry.

"perhaps i have to put myself in order,
beginning with my head.
i'm going to divide into numbered squares
my brain and cerebellum,
and when a memory crops up
i will say 'a hundred and something'.
then i will recognize
the wall and the climbing vine,
and perhaps i'll entertain myself
giving names to forgotten things."

~Neruda

Posted by jeff pitcher at December 29, 2004 02:26 PM

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