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what the fuck is going on?
Today, this third day of April, the snow falls hard, and drops me back into the dark water. A blizzard. Not only a blizzard mind you, one that has dropped well over two feet of snow in the last 36 hours, and one that has caused both highways in and out of town to close.
And I am a plunging stone. I am twisting into the black water, my vision blurred.
I attempted to practice guitar this morning, but my hands could never warm, leaving them far from nimble. They stumbled across the strings, across the frets, like ants with missing legs. Twisting clumsily, making sad sounds.
Last night, Keri and I watched a documentary called The Corporation, which was fantastic; simply wonderful. While nothing new for me, sometimes we simply need a kick in the ass to jostle our brains, our souls. And so it is. I feel shaken and determined to be more proactive in the beliefs that I have. {which I will get to in a moment}
This coincides with my having spent much time lately, thinking about the Internet in general, and more specifically MY place here in the infinite sea. I could of course, write a terribly long piece about my feelings on the matter, but frankly I haven’t the desire. Simply put, I’m tired of it. Both the internet and this “blog.” I’ve finally admitted to myself {as did my wife} that I have fallen slave to this machine, this technology, and it owns a great deal more of my mental landscape, AND my soul than I would like it to own. As keri said, I want more of life’s direct experience. More time walking in the woods. More time on the bike {when the snow melts}. More time listening to music with my headphones on. More time playing guitar. More time just sitting, with no machines.
I ask myself, why do I check Christian’s blog ten times a day to see if he has posted? Mike’s. Andrea’s. Keri’s. Why do I check every post I write, constantly, to see if anyone has commented? In Short, it is a rather pathetic behavior I think, and admittedly an addiction of sorts.
The email is perhaps worse. I don’t really know how many times a day I check my bloody email, but it has without question reached unacceptable heights. I must ask myself, “What void is this filling?” or perhaps, “What part of me so desires to waste my time?” “Does it make me feel more liked by people when I get an email?” or, “Does the email that I receive really NEED to be read immediately, or could I respond in a day or two?”
What the fuck is going on???
Important questions, I think. What if, for example, every time I felt compelled to spend five minutes checking my email, I put headphones on and listened to a song. How would that effect me in comparison? What did I do before the internet existed? Seems an absurd thing to say, but a valid question I think.
I believe that for some people, the internet functions as a place of information, inspiration, research, etc. Certainly good things. But for me, it is most often a poor way of spending {wasting} my time. The reality is, that ninety percent of the time, it is a diversion for me, as I believe it is for many, if not most of us. This is of course, not the first time I’ve had this thought. I have, over the past decade signed off from the internet on more than one occasion, denouncing email entirely. Sadly, after sending out a bulk email telling all of my friends that I was done, and asking if they would please send REAL letters instead, I think I received one in the first year, and none after that, having completely lost touch with some of the people.
Nearly two years ago, Christian and I began sending each other postcards with poetry on them regularly, inspired by Jim Harrison and Ted Kooser. I cannot even begin to explain how much MORE these postcards mean to me than the emails that I receive.
In some way, or perhaps many ways, though the intent itself and its possibilities may be quite different, I find that it is painfully similar to television, which I have not watched on purpose for about twelve or thirteen years. {maybe this piece of writing will be rather long after all.}
All of this said, I have no intention of ceasing to use this resource, as I have certainly found some great music, writing, and art. Hell, even Keri and I met through the contact of a friend in this digital world. BUT, I do need to redefine it all for myself. Examine it. I have to ask myself if what I am doing here really feels like making art anymore, or if it is some lame excuse to make me feel better about my lack of artistic success.
So when I began writing here nearly three years ago, my intention was that it would be a way to get things out, and to write daily. I also had hoped that it would help me, and the band to grow, which sadly has not really happened. Frankly, I find myself rather depressed that I sell very few cd’s here, unless I’m playing live regularly, and even then it’s minimal. But then I guess that is one of the simple, if not harsh realities of being an “unsigned musician,” who is ultimately rather poor at self-promotion. It is my opinion that the internet has been both great and terrible for musicians. It is great because anyone can put their music out there, basically the home recordings that they make. But sadly, it is terrible for the same reason, in that this causes a flooding of the marketplace, much of which is just plain awful.
I also question the lack of honesty here. I certainly don’t tell you people everything, and I wonder if that may be compromising my art in ways that I am not aware of. The music I make is honest. Completely. As is the poetry and fiction that I write. But here, there is a veil that I keep eternally up, one that I don’t wish to drop.
Also, I wonder what it is that I desire from the potential accolades of the people, yes YOU dear reader. Is it that I’m not a “successful” musician or writer, and somehow the positive response that I get now and then, makes me feel better about myself, because I can’t seem to get anything published, or get a goddamn record deal? Does it make me feel not just “successful,” but even famous in some small way? There is after all, quite a large number of you coming here each day. Yet more questions worth the asking.
Anyway, the website {more specifically the blog} is not functioning for me in the ways that I desire any more. In terms of the writing here, while I enjoy it now and then, quite often I feel like I “should” post something, and sadly I feel like this takes away from my poetry and fiction, because I squander my thoughts, ideas, images, and metaphors here, often before they’re ready to live on paper. Sometimes, I even rush, hurriedly punching away, to get a post up Friday before people go home for the weekend.
Every time I post a photo or painting, I feel a bit strange about it. It’s not necessarily because I lack confidence {which I do}, but more a questioning of my ego. Perhaps more specifically, WHY I feel compelled to share it in this way, here. It is indeed true, that all artists have an inherent desire to share their work, but I question the vehicle. It feels somehow dishonest. I’m not entirely sure why, but it does. Above all, it feels like a giant ego-explosion, with me talking about what I had for breakfast every day. Which in some ways is completely valid, and maybe even the best art that there is. Who knows? In some way, how different is it from me putting my songs up here on the mp3 page for you to listen to? I don’t know why, but at the moment it just feels different.
When I started this blog, I remember talking to friends about what I wanted from it. More than anything else, aside from my own daily writing exercise, I wanted it to be a place of intellectual discussion, a round table of sorts, which it has been at times, and which I am thankful for. But more often than not, I just feel like I’m tossing my words off some cliff, into a giant and endless void. Of course, in keeping with honesty, would i feel differently if indeed i had a plethora of comments all of the time? I don't know.
And perhaps these questions right now, this decision for change, is commercial suicide. Perhaps I am standing on the precipice of exploding, catapulting myself into the masses as a “great artist,” and I jump from the cliff, soaring to an impoverished life of menial jobs and constant monetary struggles. But is that any reason to keep doing something? Fear? I think not.
Lastly, I feel like I want to be making a more concerted effort to change the things about this world that I feel need to be changed. For years, I have wished that I could play shows like the Tibetan Freedom Concerts or tour with Fugazi. Open for Springsteen on his Kerry support tour. Donate proceeds to causes that I believe in. But the fact is that it just feels rather useless when only 14 people show up at your gig. Or for example when Mike and I sold “The Great Sitting” t-shirts this summer, intending to donate the profits to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. The sad truth is that we received a check in the mail about a month ago for $24.75. That my friends, will not change the world.
Anyway, this is far too long, my wife sits by the fire, and I wish to join her. I will not disappear, it will simply change. Maybe I’m just sick and tired of this fucking endless grey. I did move to “Grey County” after all. Anyway, I do have an idea, about which I am REALLY excited, but this has been long enough already. I will unveil said plan in a few days. And who knows really? Life is, at its very core, unpredictable. It is, I believe, this unpredictability that makes it worth living. My wife, a fire, and wine.
The terminal winter carries on. It buries me and drowns me in the eternal white. Will it ever stop?
Posted by jeff pitcher at April 3, 2005 05:30 PM
....................................
Have faith. The Above put you together very well. Too well not to make a difference in this crazy world. Have faith. And heed the calling when it is whispered. Listen well for it will be a whisper. Your talents will be whispered to action. And I _know_ you will be ready.
Sharon
Posted by: Sharon at April 3, 2005 06:49 PM
People come for a reason. Simply put, you inspire. Your art, writing, music.
Thank you.
Posted by: Rei at April 3, 2005 08:28 PM
Your post was so raw and beautiful and very much understood. Maybe what worked for you at one time no longer does? So you will change what isn't working anymore, slowly, or all at once. You are a success simply because you are committed to following your heart and living your days. I take a lot of inspiration and comfort because I can relate to your words, and now I feel a little less alone with many of the same doubts and struggles. I thought I would be somewhere else at 32 as a writer, human being. Don't give up. Get warm. Sunshine is on the way!
Posted by: Alex at April 3, 2005 09:40 PM
i related very much to this entry. it was genuine and clear. thank you for this.
for me, my obsessive e-mail/comment checking drives me nuts, and it comes straight from my ego. good luck dealing.
i am also praying for warm weather for you. you deserve it.
Posted by: dan simpson at April 3, 2005 11:57 PM
It is hard to find the words...
I relate to your post so much. Read it in the morning (my morning is your night), then went on doing my job, but noticed I can't stop thinking about your words. It is your blog which I check at least 5 times a day to see if you posted anything. If you stop writing, well, good, i will not waste my time on this. But I will loose something very important if I loose your writing. That is the way I feel about it.
Is it posible to read you fiction? I'd love to.
And your music... It's a pity I cannot by your cds. But I am simply too far from US and the dilevery will cost enormously much.
Just can not stop thinking about things you wrote...
p.s. Sorry for my english, it is not native and far from beeing good.
Posted by: olga at April 4, 2005 04:54 AM
i've never commented here before, but i've really enjoyed your writing, your thoughts, your commitment to social progress. thanks for continuing to share.
but, at some point – wouldn't it be great to lighten up a little? i know we all get down and frustrated with the status quo and living with our messy patterns of behavior. i think at these times, it's nice to remember to enjoy things for what they simply are - instead of trying to whittle it all down, over-analyze and micro-manage our bad behaviors.
on the other hand, if you don't enjoy doing something anymore and it's become some strange obsession, i suppose a surrender to change is in order.
either way....enjoy your wine, wife and fire. sounds like a pretty superb life.
Posted by: jolene at April 4, 2005 09:38 AM
In order to make a difference you need to offer something people want. Sitting on your ass, drinking tea and complaining aint one of them.
Posted by: sheila at April 4, 2005 03:23 PM
Hello - I read the first half and briefed the rest - but - I swear you are an addict b/c you are inside while it snows all the time. I was an addict - but when the weather is nice - I forget what e-mail/internet is - well not totally.
Anyways - try this exercise for your mind -----
http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Try to tell the difference between these two pictures!!
Posted by: Jen at April 4, 2005 04:08 PM
You know what sucks about this world? People like "Sheila" who posted above to this entry! Here you go pouring out your heart, obviously feeling down and you are willing to be vulnerable with all you are struggling with right now and then someone reads what you write and seeing that you are hurting, chooses to be a total a-hole instead of an empathetic human being. Your post was honest, real, and I'm sorry you are so full of doubt right now, but I am far more sorry that we both must live in the world with such total, heinous cretins like this "Sheila."
Posted by: Alex at April 4, 2005 07:08 PM
I agree with Alex. Sheila , get a life and leave other people the fuck alone. Jeff, you'll make it. You've made it! You have an awesome wife, a great home, keep the focus on what you love thats already in your life, and then, LIVE there.
Posted by: Kenneth Kirzner at April 4, 2005 07:21 PM
I think Sheila could have been a little more sensitive but i do agree with her point to some extent...actions speaking louder than words and all that.
By the way, can you ship some snow over - i love the stuff!
Posted by: Sara at April 4, 2005 09:39 PM
Sheila's right and judging from your last entry, you obviously know it. I've been coming here off and on for three years. I think you've got a lot of talent but you're pissing it into the wind. You probably need to end this asinine blog. That would be a good first step.
Posted by: Agamemnon at April 5, 2005 09:33 AM
I believe the blog-net is a kind of a neighborly "wussup" and "hey, Christian, Jeff's cycle trip--isn't it something? And did you see that beautiful photo he posted the other day" where we can actually share our thoughts. Lord knows as cooperative, non-competitive thinkers we're a scattered tribe, and if the gift of lyrical self-expression, like yours, is large, well, then we're all the better off for knowing a little of what's going on on your mountaintop. After all, I think we're each most qualified to report on our own egocentric mythology--so that's what we do. And we search for others like ourselves (possible, even like-minded, friends) in our self-advertising. I consider myself privileged to have your blog and Xian's and such others to partake of. Your posts make my netsurfing extremely profitable. As far as comments, I don't mark up what I consider artwork. I think you don't "ask for" comments very often. Also, it's a good thing mostly when "tell all" gets stifled a little. I sincerely hope you haven't really sacrificed other writing for blogging. Maybe this blogging is what you really are into, dialogue, instead of the monologue of publishing. ~mikey
Posted by: mikey at April 5, 2005 10:14 AM
I read both you and Keri every day, and I find it sustaining. Nourishment comes in many forms, sometimes in the grey, sometimes in the watery slpashes of color you show. Most often it is in the words, the flow.
I suffer from winter depression, among other tasty things, and I can really get under the rug with you and feel the breath accumulate while you tell tales with a flashlight, hiding from the dark.
I would feel a loss if you were not here anymore, or less frequently, but I can understand how a shift in energy can be a motivation to a different place.
Just let us know where you go so we can check in, M'kay?
Posted by: Julia at April 5, 2005 10:39 AM
Just finished reading your 4/3/05 post. All in all, it's a question of balance, is it not? There is no law saying how frequently one must post in a blog. You own the blog...not the other way around. And creating for one's self is as important as creating for an audience, because that's the most authentic creation.
Posted by: Valerie at April 5, 2005 12:16 PM
hello there, i have made a comment here before - and just yesterday on keri´s blog - i keep signing "s." as not to be aligned to my lame blog that i don´t care about and still hang on to, to see if i want to use it in the future, but... just like you i had once dreamt of being involved in intellectual discussions via the internet, something that i then never engaged in well enough for whatever reasons. i think the internet, more so than real life, opens the opportunity for reinvention - or to just leave. it makes it easier when something becomes unfulfilling to withdraw and move on, thinking it was not worth it anyway.
it is an eternal search, it seems, for something inexplicable and because we don´t go down for it to last it out it remains diffuse. we may create change by changing environments, but we don´t experience the change that comes with long term commitment - which would probably be the room to apply what we have learned from in our past.
i like to think that what we perceive as eternal (internal) conflicts about how to move on, can be considered also an affirmation of values. it is a careful examination of how to compose a meaningful life between duties and dreams.
i keep asking myself though, what it is that stops people from entering.
Posted by: s. at April 5, 2005 11:56 PM
I think you just need some sunshine. You live so close to nature, so when it comes to life it's going to be wonderful. The wait will just make the release feel even better. I should know, I grew up North of the Arctic circle... :)
Posted by: Anja at April 6, 2005 06:54 AM
I've come back to this post and read it every day. It reminds me of something my old therapist said, that its just too easy to give up. You can't do it though. Robert Henri said in one of my favorite books, The Art Spirit, "Everything depends on those who go on ANYWAY." You have too much life and soul and heart in you to give up. I know you won't, that you're probably just having a few down days or months, but its obviously in your blood, to create, to blossom, to be an artist, so just keep at it. A lot of your wife's entries are just enough to keep me from going and sitting it out on the bleachers. BOTH of your blogs keep the artist in me alive just when I am most tempted to say, "Well if it hasn't happened by now, probably never will." I love both of your journals dearly. I also try to remember choosing to live a creative life is about living a creative life, not reaping mounds of cash and accolades, though it certainly would be totally peachy if that ever happens! Those fires you enjoy beside your wife, creating your wonderful paintings, pouring out your heart online so that others can feel a part of a larger community, you are totally on the right track and already an artist. Just keep following whereever that fire within you is leading you, and under no circumstances, don't continue to berate yourself for being a human being where you are at the moment. See yourself through others eyes for awhile if your own lens are getting a little foggy.
Posted by: Alex at April 6, 2005 09:21 AM
Todo cambia {everything changes}...Winter owes to Summer...
Posted by: Falloutsis at April 6, 2005 01:29 PM
I agree with Anja, I think you need some sunshine, and an opportunity to really explore the beautiful part of the world you are in, wearing a t-shirt, with the sun on your face. Having lived in San Francisco as you did (and as I still do, lucky me!) I'm sure you can't believe that it's so cold this late in the year. But spring will come, and then summer. Have faith.
And it's brave and honest of you to admit that your reliance on the online world isn't the healthiest thing. It sounds like a good move to give it a rest for a while (but I will keep you on my favorites list anyway). I really enjoy how you write. Let's see what you can accomplish when you use that energy elsewhere.
Best of luck Jeff
Posted by: Annie at April 6, 2005 01:52 PM
I completely agree. And let's see if any of these fuckos and nitwits that hang all over you pay you anything other than goddamn lipservice.
Posted by: Salty at April 7, 2005 09:42 AM
To be honest, I’ve often wondered why creative people such as yourself and Andrea write blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love visiting them, but I do wonder how and why you do it. I’ve tried starting a blog and I can’t stick with it. There’s too much to create, read, see, hear, taste, etc, then to sit in front of a computer screen and come up with something “unique” to say to the world. Put on a pair of snow shoes and go in search of spring’s first bloom and if there is no bloom to be found…make snow angels.
Posted by: SO at April 7, 2005 11:59 AM
You are not tossing your words off a cliff.
I work as a secretary at an oil and gas company for 8 hours a day 40 hours a week. The internet is all I have to get me through those hours. I was blessed enough to find Andrea Scher. And through her, I have found you. Your words are a guide and a reassure. Because I need something to tell me that I am not alone home and that someday I will be a writer an artist a musician and that I will not rot here forever. What you build with your words is community. And while it may seem like you are wasting your time, you are not. It is so hard these days - for creative people - to figure out how to spend their time. I feel like my time is running out. I sort mail. I answer the phone. I take dictation. Then I go home. Make dinner. Fall asleep reading, dreaming of the day when I am excited about every single minute of my life. It's the waiting that is the worst and I don't even know what I am waiting for. But it is a comfort the others are waiting too and they don't even know why. Your words are solace. Please do not stop writing. If you want this on a postcard, tell me where to send it.
Posted by: Kate at April 7, 2005 02:14 PM
Maintain your intellectual dexterity by writing in a personal journal. No need for all this production and drama. you have a pattern of writing melancholy and dramatic posts when you haven't had any comments submitted on your last couple posts. Seems like a pretty transparent means of eliciting attention. Remove this layer of complexity around fame, notoriety, attention and just write for yourself. If you are a good writer, dedicated and willing to jump through hoops, there’s a good chance you will make it.
Posted by: sage at April 7, 2005 04:17 PM
Thank you, Sage.
Reason at last.
Posted by: bob roberts at April 7, 2005 08:11 PM
Damn, I wish I'd said that, Sage.
Exactly, exactly, exactly!
Posted by: wigwam at April 8, 2005 09:50 AM
People write blogs for the sake of finding a community. I read blogs for that reason. I never used to but I feel I have to find the others and reach beyond myself. You have no idea how inspiring your words are or that through your online journal, you bring like-minded souls together who are going through this creative stagnation-petrification-paralyzation together. That being said, it's not like I scour the internet for blogs. I chanced upon Andrea and Jeff and feel very lucky. Keep writing because a lot of us are listening and understanding and silently hoping for you and all of us.
Posted by: kate at April 8, 2005 02:08 PM
You are weak. I saw this coming years ago, but that's self serving on my part. Just about every reply is an internet blowjob for you pitcher. Keri should be jealous. You will be 54 years old soon and complaining about the same things. Oh, and about 20 lbs. over weight. You are incapable of accomplishing anything. The "great" sitting was just an attempt at escape. "Oh, there's snow outside I can't do anything today." Puh-lease. At the expense of sounding trite(ha-ha), just do it. Or can you? I say "NO".
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*EN*S*I*N*G* at April 9, 2005 08:20 AM
I do the same thing. Check blogs. Check email. Check again. It's kind of an obsession. I haven't heard anyone else verbalize it like that before, matching my thoughts exactly. But, I ask myself, is this not reality? It is, just a sort of different reality. A different way of connecting with people. Is it better? Worse? I'm not sure. No, I don't talk much to my neighbors. I don't go visiting at night and drink tea on their porches. But I do have friends who I barely speak to in "real life" but keep up with in cyberspace. Is this bad? I don't think so. Just different. And honestly, there's less pressure. Less stress. Less commitment in a world where I already feel quite committed. I will start to worry when I stop making dates for coffee or lunch, or attending dinner parties or laughing at the park with kids and friends. But in the meantime, maybe this is our new reality?
Posted by: Jodi at April 9, 2005 09:43 AM
Is John Rensing the biggest asshole or what? If I had one wish, it would be that a-holes like himself would disappear in a puff of smoke! Don't pay any attention to guys like that Jeff whose compassion for others is about the size of half a penny.
Posted by: Ken Doll at April 9, 2005 11:11 AM
Ken Doll, you know nothing of compassion. And my penny is REALLY big.
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*EN*S*I*N*G* at April 9, 2005 03:40 PM
And I'm about a 6'4" asshole if you're interested.
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*EN*S*I*N*G* at April 9, 2005 03:42 PM
God, I can't help but to keep checking to see if someone has responded. And it's mildly overcast outside, I can't go out in that weather. I'm so depressed. Oh! The humanity.
The sad thing is that this will prolly get deleted. Such a waste of comedy too... Ah, what? I'm evaporating into a puff of smoke! NOOOOoooo...
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*EN*S*I*N*G* at April 9, 2005 03:45 PM
Good Day Jeff,
When do you plan to post where your thoughts are now since this post? I was reading the responses, as there were so very many, and was taken aback at the contrast in how readers respond to your difficulties right now. Some are so kind, like from Jodi and Kate, and others, like Mr. Rensing and Sheila, are so unkind. It is very curious to me. In Finland where I live , my companions and I would not dream of such unkindness when one is wounded. I think you have such a phrase for this- to kick a dog when he is down." A candle is glimmering in our window for you.
Posted by: Malaya at April 10, 2005 09:01 AM
pitcher is not a dog, he is a human being with the ability to make choices regarding honor, morality, ethics and whatnot. He should be better than a dog. Feeling sorry for ones self is pathetic, particularly when one is responsible for ones condition.
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*N*S*I*N*G at April 10, 2005 11:55 AM
Who here agrees that John Rensing is having a massive projection of epic proportions? (not that theres anything wrong with that! It happens to everyone...)
But let the poor guy have a bad day and wallow a bit until hes ready to get back on his feet. Hes a fucking human being. It happens to everyone that is honest enough to admit to and really own and experience the full range of human emotions in this life. I don't know anyone who doesn't get discouraged from time to time, especially after months and months of winter's isolation. Often Jeff I have found in my own experience that I'll feel a surge of discouragement just before I jump in and pick myself up, and really jump back in with renewed energy and attitude and perspective. A slump, a rut, whatever you want to name it, I'm quite certain that you will find your way out the other side soon enough and then here you will be encouraging some other depressed bloke. Been there, and know you will prevail. One day at a time.
Posted by: Gil at April 10, 2005 12:33 PM
I totally second that! Who has never felt sorry for themselves at some point in their life and soaked a bit in regrets or melancholy? I don't know a soul.
Posted by: Mark Shelton at April 10, 2005 12:54 PM
Jeff~
It is indeed depressing how addictive it gets. I check my own little 'blog' daily for comments, and email more frequently than that. Of course, things like reading, writing fiction and music, all have suffered at the hands of my lack of discipline. My one little constant has been composing a haiku each day, inspired by the haiku year project undertaken by Michael Stipe, Grant Lee Phillips and others some years back, where they would send each other their haikus from great distances, like tiny love letters. At this point I am just keeping mine in a file on my computer, but if this kind of exchange would interest you, perhaps it would inspire me to take them a bit more seriously as well.
And of course, a good dose of Gillian Welch never hurt anyone drowning in a terminal winter.
Posted by: Dave at April 10, 2005 05:14 PM
Wow. We're experiencing a renaissance. This feels like vintage Fall '03 Pitcher site.
Posted by: Oogblah at April 11, 2005 01:18 PM
Hey Jeff, looks like you finally stirred Rensing from hibernium. How are ya JR?
Posted by: ChinRingDingo at April 11, 2005 02:10 PM
John Rensing, who are you? Jeff's alter ego? That nagging voice that tells him he's not enough? Whew, sir, you are filled with vitrol.
This is a very strange blog indeed.
Posted by: Kate at April 11, 2005 02:46 PM
jeff,
as tempting as it may be, don't waste anymore valuable time tending to this blog. Sit down and really do something meaningful. "Pissing in the wind", as someone on this thread put it, always comes back at you twice as hard. Don't get distracted by Rensing. Work quitely and peacefully on your latest masterpiece.
-Sage
Posted by: sage at April 11, 2005 02:58 PM
Kate, come up with something original, I've already been told I'm filled with vitrol, among other things.
Alter ego?, no. I'm just on the other end of some spectrum, if pitcher and I could be found on a same spectrum. Call me the piper, as in time to pay the. Funny thing is you'd all like me if you met me. You'd walk away thinking, "That was a really interesting and fun guy, hard to pigeon hole. And attractive! Mmmm." Or you'd think I was the biggest asshole you'd ever met, but attractive!
I just come here 'cause I like to torment myself.
Posted by: J*O*H*N*R*EN*S*I*N*G* at April 11, 2005 03:34 PM
I am a silent reader. Of yours, and Jen and Andrea's blogs. I may have commented once or twice, but you are all part of my daily, (many times a day in fact) computer routine. I feel as though every time I walk through this central room of my house I am checking my email, checking blogs and tribes to see if there have been any new words in the past few hours. What you have writen, I have, as many of us have, thought through and wondered and doubted myself. But none of us have ever been able to put it into words the way you have, not just for yourself but for all of us.
Perhaps people keep blogs for themselves. I started one a month ago. I don't know my specific reasons. I don't know if it's ever been viewed. A comment has never been posted, yet I still check every day as I post my minds pathways. Maybe deep down I hope that my words may affect even one person the way yours and others have affected me. I know what it's like to be down, we all have been there at some point. This last time has put me into counseling and medication. It's a downward spiral to be careful off. To be careful you don't let others words push you farther (refering to negative comments I've read posted about your entry)
I think you, and others like you, should have the chance to know your affect. I'm sure there are others like me, who don't say anything. Who are invisible to you. But during many of these periods of time where I've found myself caught in a sink hole, you and Andrea and a couple others have inspired me through your words, your thoughts, your art, your music, your sharing.
If you want to continue writing in a blog, do so. If you feel it's time to stop, do so. We've givin you a plethera of comments, but I'm sure you know it's your choice. I will miss reading, as will many. But you don't write blogs for other people, as much as I tell myself I do. In the end you do it for yourself. Always take care of yourself first.
You questioned Success. If you feel so unsuccessful perhaps you need to redefine success. For me: "Sucess: Being where I want to be, When I want to be there, With who I want to be there with."
And here now, the silent speaks, and I too have writen far longer than my expected couple lines.
Take care Jeff
Safe Journeys
A Peaceful Wanderer
Pinto
Posted by: Pinto at April 11, 2005 06:44 PM
It's difficult to learn to turn off that need for feedback, especially when you feel isolated or alone; especially when you aren't used to these crazy long winters some parts of Canada get to enjoy. I grew up here and still have trouble from mid-February to about now; fighting the blue winter meanies wears you down.
Try turning off your comments for this blog, but continue writing in it when you feel like it because it does end up being a partial document of your time on this planet, another way of seeing yourself and progress through life. But it isn't you. And if you have turned this space into some form of obligation, or measure of your worth, well, it's probably a good time to go on an eholiday.
I've thought about this a lot. It's in the darker moments you really come to terms with yourself, and it is especially important during these times to be gentle to yourself. Sometimes, we try too hard and it is the wrong thing, or we don't try enough and give up too easily, confused and uncertain. In the end, it is about your motivation, and being honest about whatever that might be. Good luck.
Posted by: ajd at April 12, 2005 03:31 PM
I agree with ajd...if you continue with the blog, you should turn off the comments.
I wish you well.
Posted by: SO at April 13, 2005 08:52 AM
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