to the 7th graders
it is a strange and somewhat sad (pathetic?) moment when you stand before a classroom of 7th graders and realize, like the lights snapping on at 5am strangling a winter morning, that you are indeed trying to justify to these children that you are somehow a successful artist. they ask, "why are you a sub if you make music?" "if your art is good, why are you here?" though i've asked myself this question countless times, and concluded that the answer is certainly complex, and that i'm working on it dammit, it serves to shatter one's glassy confidence.
i don't believe for a second that "success" or critical acclaim or any other such thing mandates that one's art is good, and the lack thereof suggests that it is bad, but it remains a difficult thing to swallow nonetheless. i suppose i feel like i could explain it to another adult, but somehow the pathway from point a (making good art) to point b ("success") seems simple, clear, and direct to these young children, which i don't believe it is. i guess what makes me saddest, is that my own ego needs these children to believe that i am good at what i do; that i make good (even great?) art. but then don't we all want others to think we are good at what we most love doing? it was a blurry and choked moment for sure.
then again, it could just be that i turned 33 recently and the movement of time seems to always bring forth such questions. there wasn't this much grey in my beard last year. it could also be that i'm reading a book titled "the ambient century" (a gift from my wife) and find myself stunned by the genius of composers like satie, debussy, and ravel. or it could be that i'm still in a daze from hearing christian kiefer's new (unreleased as of yet) record, amazed that someone i know so well, someone that i love, can make something so brilliant. (not the first time i've felt this about him or others i know). i wonder if i'll ever make anything that i think is that good? and i wonder if christian stands before his students, trying to convince them that he's making great art. i wonder if satie did that? i have after all just discovered that satie made his living most of his life by playing as a cafe and music-hall pianist, and bought 14 of the same velvet suit that he wore each day. this i admire.
and so, keri and i go soon to visit graduate schools where i will send applications to in mere weeks, hoping to study "sound" and multimedia. maybe i've just been trying to come in through the wrong door for a long time. don't we all just want to make something new and unique as artists? how can i do that when eric satie was doing it more than 100 years ago?
who knows? frankly, i'm too tired to write adequately on this at the moment. to the 7th graders: isn't it enough that i love it and could never stop if i tried?
Posted by jeff pitcher at December 8, 2005 04:51 PM
....................................
I am one of your students in the 7th grade class. I didn't realize it mattered so much that we asked if you were a famous rock star. When you said I didn't know you didn't choke up like you said in the journal, and omg, you're 33! lol
I'm a musician, too. I play piano, trumpet and guitar. I'd like to play drums, too. I don't know if I will make a living at it but it sure is fun.
Posted by: Zane at December 8, 2005 09:01 PM
I feel this way everytime I tell someone I am a writer and they ask if I am published. My response is always "not yet" and then that fear hits that I never will be. Am I not a writer if I'm not published? I don't know. I wonder that daily. Sometimes it feels like it.
Posted by: Jodi at December 8, 2005 10:20 PM
I really liked your post, cause I am so often in a similar situation. Okay, I am published but not during the last four (oh is it really four?) years and I think I have improved a lot since then. I am writing fiction for children and teens which does not make much money (even if I am published) and I had to do lots of other things to survive. Therfore I was wondering, am I a real writer? An artist? Or just a wannabe? I met a lot of people who are wrting for TV (some stupid series, where you are not free to write anything you really believe in) and they make a great deal of money. Are they more a writer then me? On good days (like today) I do not think so, I think if you do something which is really honest and you love doing it (and I think you could feel the difference in every pice of art)then it is art and you are an artist. And thats why you really are an artist. It is in your words and music and it inspires me all the time.
P.S. Is it possible to buy a cd from you even if I am living in Europe and do not own a credit card?
Posted by: Katrin at December 9, 2005 02:12 AM
Jesus, that's pathetic.
Zane, what you have here is a cautionary tale, son. Now you know what you don't want to be.
You've got the right attitude. Do it because it's fun. Period.
Posted by: Benny Goodman at December 9, 2005 11:23 AM
and van gogh wasn't a real painter because he never sold a picture.... you create songs you sing you are a muscian
Posted by: m at December 9, 2005 02:08 PM
In our screwed up culture, we tend to equate qualifiers like “successful” and “good” with pecuniary success. Just because Britney Spears makes tons of money with her music, does that make it inspiring, or brilliant? Or even “good”? Just because McDonald’s makes a fortune selling really cheap hamburgers, does that make them “good” food? Clarify your definition of successful Jeff, and I think you will find that you are.
Posted by: kim at December 11, 2005 02:17 PM
I imagine even 7th graders can appreciate that it is near impossible to make a living playing music, or doing any sort of art for that matter. So it wouldn't be too difficult for them to understand that you do what you must do to live and continue to be able to make music... no?
As for your own good/greatness... all I can say is I'd not think about it. Since when can we ever look at something we've done objectively? Did Satie or any of the others feel that everything they did was great, or largely mediocre?
You know how I feel about your music, and how it has helped me in life so many times. But the important thing here is how true it feels to you. How much it touches you. What other measure of greatness is there but that?
Posted by: Dave at December 12, 2005 05:49 AM
hi jeff,
i enjoyed this post SO MUCH. i am a teacher also and an illustrator. every now and then, a student -always a middle school student- asks why i teach art if i am such a good artist. i kind of laugh inside because i remember what a smart ass i was at that age. the teasing is well deserved karma.
the funny thing though -and what i liked about your post- is that we are all still so young at heart. we still want to be liked and appreciated. as a teacher, i sometimes feel like the biggest, most experienced kid in class. "kid" being the operative word. i have to force myself -in that situation- to be an adult for a few hours.
anyway, thank you for writing about it.
p.s., if you enjoy teaching, you can say so. it satisfies my students.
Posted by: rama at December 13, 2005 05:09 PM
i wonder all of this too--and i especially wonder on days that the 'job' becomes magnified and takes over the parts of me that need to be alive to write. isn't something lost in all those waves? an age old suffering i suppose--what's required to have freedpom, real freedom, and still manage to breathe in very small spaces.
Posted by: squid at December 20, 2005 04:22 PM
