i am not in spain in spain.

I have spent the last week, finishing the artwork for a limited release of I am not in Spain, which is ironically, being released on a small label {moonpalace records} in Spain. I’m not sure why it has taken so long to finish this project, but much of it was my finally letting go, realizing that it was holding onto me, not the other way around.

Compounded of course by the fact that I spent some time trying to find a label to release it {an effort which I have not stopped yet} and was wishing to have it mastered professionally. On some level, I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was going to have to release another record myself, without a label paying for it. Without distribution. Reviews. Etc. But in the end, I guess what really matters most, is that we made it. That it exists.

I find myself always moving quickly as an artist {perhaps too quickly sometimes…ie: lacking patience} and don’t like it when these things linger as they sometimes do. Perhaps one of the most difficult things with making a record, is that it seems to take so long, I’m always writing new material when I’m only ten percent done with the recording, therefore making it difficult to stay focused on the task at hand. Here I am releasing “I am not in Spain,” with three records begun after that unfinished, and the batch of new, unrecorded songs growing. Such it is with me.

With some distance finally, I find that I am indeed proud of the record, as strange as I find that it is in many ways. As I’m not playing live this winter, I’ve given myself many goals creatively, namely the finishing of four cds which are all incomplete, this having been the first of those projects. Forward movement. I imagine this time next year, that I will likely have a great deal less time than I do now, so “now” becomes the mantra.

Anyway, I finally accepted the fact that I would be releasing these myself, and decided to do something that I thought would be meaningful to both me, and anyone who might buy it. As displayed above, I hand painted covers for the release. Voila. Music about a book with a painting. You can read more about the record here here, and there are a small number left, if you would like to order a copy. On that note, I still have about ten copies of the inexplicable falling left, if anyone wants that either. There. America. Sell things. Buy things. Be happy.

Meanwhile, the fire continues. The bike riding, indoors on a trainer. The walking across frozen lakes, accompanied with a lunging sense of vertigo. The ice creaking at the edges, the whole thing free of footprints. The frozen waterfalls. The endless ice. The white. Until one has felt this lack of sun, one cannot know how glorious it feels to be driving that perfect stretch of road, coming down around the curve, the split-rail fence flitting by, nirvana on the tinny car stereo. The sun, falling before us, as we drive west.

the powerful, the ever so powerful stairs

somehow, yesterday morning after being out of bed approximately three minutes, i managed to lose my footing at the top of the stairs, with a cat in my arms, fly up into the air, land on my hip {forcefully} without hands touching the ground {due to cat protection}, and proceed to ride the staris down on my hip, holding the cat to my chest. as much as it was painful, it was also rather disconcerting, as i figure such things are reserved for old men. old women. i escaped any serious injury {not quite sure how} though the swelling still exists en masse, and the hip moves less gracefully than before. i found myself contemplating accidents. injuries. how horrible they would be, if we knew they were coming an hour before they arrived. how i would have lain in bed, unable to rise. how i would have to be paid quite a bit of money to do that again by choice.

at least i can take a shower. how we ever finished that bathroom will remain a mystery. complete with a somewhat hidden trapdoor to the plumbing, under which we put secret notes, and photos, and music. i love the idea of someone finding it in forty years. i will though admit to there being a decent chance that someone will be digging it up in ONE year, due to our rather amateur plumbing skills. i do think though, that we did an amazing job. no leaks. how you ask? no answer. if i could even begin to explain the mountain that it all was. a problem every step of the way, with every possible thing. amazing.

needless to say it is done. the showers are greatly appreciated. the water flows. the world chugs along. i turn on my computer, and see george bush smiling and hugging his wife. i see him raising his arms to the sky. i see him destroying the environment and adding fuel to the fire of the war. i see him suffocating us all with cyanide soaked rags, as he cries out for freedom. as much as i detest him, all that he is, i try to remember that he too hugs his wife. showers. tries not to fall down the stairs.

and the world still has beautiful things. planning to drive to manhattan in a month to see the gates. ever so excited.

like weightless white leaves

bathtub, sink, and toilet remain in hallway, though not for long. while perhaps slim, the chance does exist that we will all shit, shower, and shave tonight. and the snow falls today. a blizzard, like weightless, white leaves. a dustcloud. the earth covered.

“There are natural highs, and lows, in winter. You eat more. You sleep more. It is only natural to put on a little fat, but I don’t like it. I want to go into winter, have its beauty and silence, and play by my rules., but it’s hard. And I’m so tired at the end of the day; as soon as it gets dark I’m bone-weary, almost in a stupor. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve been outside sawing logs or cross-country skiing all day, or just sitting inside by the window, typing and drinking tea – still I’m exhausted. I’m finally learning to savor it, just to stretch out by the fire and fall into slumber, into a sort of spinning, warm unconsciousness – all the chores done, or almost. I’m learning to understand and relish the sweet low of it, this necessary putting-off-until-tomorrow. The days are gradually, by minutes, getting longer, and soon I’ll be out of it, go full bore again, put on my city ways and do the work of three men – but these short, dark days are bigger than I am, larger than the chemical stirrings going on in the back of my brain, and I’ve learned that if I fight it, I’ll only be more tired the next day.”

~Rick Bass

what is happening in that small room

how quickly a simple bathtub replacement, can spiral into an "everything replacement." sink {sledgehammer accident}, toilet, wallpaper, molding, etc., etc. i wish that you could all see what is happening in that small room. the pipes beneath the floor, the two by tens{?}, and the cement poured inbetween the supports. how could it possibly have been that hard to rip the floor up?

a house that we think was built in the 1870's. what it all amounts to, is that the job we thought would take two days carries on. lunges forward like a heavy and sagging truck. we are now predicting this will take over a week. at least there is the payoff of being able to take a shower when it's all done. a long and beautiful shower.

and i read about another man's winter. a harsh and cold winter in montana without electricity. his efforts to adapt.

" a couple of weeks ago, i read an article in the sunday new york times about the writer john berger. when he was around sixty, he abandoned his fine urban woods to go live with peasants in the french alps. he was quoted as saying that the only way to earn the peasants' respect, is by trying to do the things they do, doing those things ridiculously badly, and then asking their advice, so that they become the teacher, and you the learner."
~rick bass

perhaps i should call a plumber.

replete with showering capability

Currently reading "winter," by Rick Bass. It's the story of a man and his girlfriend who move from Mississippi, to a remote valley {30 inhabitants, no electricity, etc} in the mountains of Montana, up near the Canadian and Idaho borders. This, dear reader, is the real winter. It makes this southern Ontario thing seem infantile. Well, i wouldn't say that, but there is definitely something to be said for the priveledge of electricity.

In our own winterland, today will see the death of the old bathtub, and the replacement of the bathroom floor. If all goes well, i will take the first shower i have ever taken in this house, in the new/old, fire-engine red, clawfoot tub, replete with showering capability, sometime sunday night. For this, i will be thankful.

Meanwhile, i read Rick Bass. His writing makes me think of the California writers. Gary Snyder. Kerouac. And so forth. Below, a quote from John Muir {taken from "winter"} about a certain bird. A certain bird that i've seen. one that i love. who wouldn't?

"find a fall, or cascade, or rushing rapid, anywhere uopn a clear stream, and there you will surely find its complementary Ouzel, flitting about in the spray, diving in foaming eddies, whirling like a leaf among the beaten foam-bells; ever vigorous and enthusiastic, yet self-contained, and neither seeking nor shunning your company."

~John Muir

the green of fresh twigs

Sitting in a café on a street in a big city in Canada. Snow and ice, make you feel warmer than you really are, sitting at this window. A bad cup of coffee. A man behind you, below you, in a mauve wheelchair. Hospital issue. Or perhaps he just can’t afford one of the fancy ones, the athletic looking ones, if such a term can be used for such a thing. There is a dark energy around this young man. 24. My guess is that he has recently been told some horrible news of his future, his fate. That he is now confined to this goddamn thing for the rest of it. However long or short it will be. His hands shake, and his friends are nervous. I can feel it. None of them know what to do. You sip your coffee and read your book. “Winter,” by Rick Bass. You feel a bit nauseous watching this man pull his shaky hands to his mouth. You should feel more grateful for everything. All of it.

K and I walk out into the cold air. Our feet slip on the pavement. We walk gingerly, aware that we can. Trying to enjoy the slipping, the ice. Sometimes I wonder why I ever complain about anything. And this morning, as I try to re-light last night’s fire, I grow frustrated that the wood won’t catch. The kindling gone, I try to light the green of fresh twigs. How we all live in ourselves.

the desire for a brown dog, and other such relevant things.

on new years eve, keri and i sat by the fire, and made a list of 100 things about ourselves. the goal was for them to come out as quickly as possible, and completely devoid of thought. well, not devoid of thought, but the intent was for them not to be premeditated. a stream of consciousness if you will. though a rather long read, my list is below. {click on the green} why i feel compelled to post this list here, is rather a mystery to me, but such it is. soon to follow this post, will be another long one about the art and obsession of creating the "perfect" mix cd. stay tuned. oh yes, and happy new year~

1. I want a brown dog quite badly

2. james is one of my favorite bands

3. I prefer wool socks to cotton, but get annoyed when my feet sweat

4. I was born in redwood city, and wish that they hadn’t cut down all of the redwood trees there

5. my dad has lost a good majority of his hair

6. my mom is missing a good majority of her stomach

7. I play guitar, but not really as well as I’d like to

8. I find myself fascinated by the phenomenon of shemales

9. I have a close friend named Christian, that I miss deeply, who is not religious

10. I like to run cold water on my face in the mornings before i do anything else

11. I have a friend named ben, who aside from being a great writer, does not care one way or another if he runs cold water on his face in the mornings, a fact that I discovered while camping with him in the woods.

12. though I don’t like driving, I sometimes miss moving down the highway on the way to work at randi’s house

13. while I’m not all that inherently good at math, I like it quite a bit in some strange way

14. I just took the GRE and didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, and even though I don’t believe it is a measure of intelligence, I wish that I had done better, as I would feel smarter.

15. I often tell people that I speak Spanish better than I really do

16. I miss di-di {my grandfather}

17. I love really good red wine, and want to have enough money to buy it all of the time

18. when I turned 18, I went to the strip clubs in san Francisco, and found myself rather disgusted, though I wanted to be turned on.

19. I have on more than one occasion sat looking at porn for three hours.

20. I don’t like parties very much

21. I don’t want to lose my hair

22. I fart more than I’d like to admit, and most of them smell awful.

23. I want to live in Spain {again} at some point in my life

24. I’m terrified of dying.

25. I would prefer to shovel manure {preferably chicken-shit} than snow

26. when I was younger, I used to wish I was not white.

27. I want to go out to a Mexican restaurant for dinner, but there aren’t any around here

28. I feel bad for the people in asia right now, but not bad enough to really do anything, which makes me sad

29. I miss my friend greg a lot more than I admit

30. I don’t like the majority of the pants that I own

31. I miss playing soccer, and wish that I had made it to the world cup

32. I want a vespa

33. I want to learn how to speak French

34. I don’t want my fingers to get all big and puffy like my fathers, as I’m afraid it will diminish my guitar playing ability.

35. I want a pair of red tennis shoes

36. I don’t understand why it seems that my fingernails seem to collect dirt so much more quickly and thoroughly than most peoples’

37. I wish I could go out to eat at honga’s restaurant in telluride tonight

38. I often think about bonnie boek when I brush my teeth with toms of maine cinnamint toothpaste, as I used it at her house for the first time

39. I will probably be really bummed out if I get rejected by ALL of the grad schools I’m applying to

40. I want to hike the pacific crest trail someday.

41. I like the idea of being a surfer, but don’t really want to surf

42. I enjoyed the film pulp fiction immensely, while keri did not, though we didn’t see it together

43. I used to like eating peanuts with granny and di-di

44. I wish my car was a volkswagon passat

45. I like to watch cats lick their paws

46. I confess to spending many years wishing that my cock was really big, as I somehow equate that with greatness, or rather the lack thereof with mediocrity

47. keri’s smile is the best I have ever seen in my life

48. I want a blowjob right now

49. I love my parents, but probably don’t express it enough.

50. I wish I could go out with ben jahn tonight and get drunk

51. I discovered while watching the documentary about Motown {and the funk brothers} that I really do like the bass lines on that music quite a bit

52. I wish I had toured with jane’s addiction

53. though my hair is thinning, and it would probably look crappy, I sometimes want my long hair back

54. I like the color green a lot

55. I do not like the name jane, as it sounds too proper

56. I wish I could be really fat for a day to see what it feels like

57. I have made the switch from boxers to boxer briefs, a thing I could never have expected, and am quite happy about it

58. di-di’s next door neighbor was named bob

59. I like broccoli

60. I greatly prefer showers to baths

61. pizza is one of my favorite foods

62. if it wasn’t bad for you, I would probably smoke cigarettes now and then, especially in the winter

63. I’m glad that I’m as tall as I am

64. I wish my stomach was a six pack, but it doesn’t really bother me that much that it’s not

65. I just thought about crystal, the woman who gave mike and I a ride in her truck, in Nebraska, and wished I could tell her that I admire her strength. {long story}

66. I want to ride my bike across Europe

67. I don’t really collect anything, other than my toe and fingernails, but sort of wish that I did

68. I wish I was a better cook

69. I enjoy listening to music and walking down a relatively busy street at night

70. red is currently one of the colors I like most

71. I don’t much care for the way I “suck in,” when I laugh

72. I’ve only used the word “baby” in a song once, as I usually find that it sounds ridiculous

73. I love it when keri say the word ridiculous

74. I wonder from time to time what jeff mcdowell is doing, and it makes me miss my childhood

75. if there is one musician that I never got to see that I would like to, it would be jeff buckley

76. I sometimes make it sound to people like jeff buckley was a great singer but a mediocre guitarist, when really I think he was amazing at both…it helps me to feel less mediocre

77. I like my moms sister quite a bit

78. my aunt lois is really overweight, but seems happier and more alive than many other people in the family

79. I think jeff buckley’s lyrics were, for the most part, quite bad

80. I don’t think that I would like the taste of catfood

81. I love gary larson comics

82. I do not love charles shcultz comics presently, but remember a time when I did.

83. I love to watch logs burn in the fire.

84. I used to love hotdogs {most recently veggie dogs} but since mike put them in the pasta, I find myself turned off by them at the moment. {no offense mike}

85. I miss mike.

86. I miss reid, and wish I could sit on the floor with him and conlon drinking wine and playing music tonight.

87. I miss new york.

88. I’m really glad that I chased some stranger down the street, {in new york} then accused him of stealing my jacket, when he had not done so.

89. I may shave my head again someday, even though I hate the process of growing it out.

90. whenever I hear fugazi, it makes me want to play electric guitar.

91. I am six feet tall, but wish that I was six foot three, which I know is silly.

92. I wish that I needed reading glasses, {why???} but would prefer it if I never had to have another eye exam again, as it was a miserable experience for me, {passing out} a fact of which I am not proud.

93. I typically don’t like the blues. {music}

94. one of my favorite things about mookie {one of our cats} is his overly large paws.

95. I despise the band phish, and would probably like them more {though not much} if they spelled the name correctly

96. I love ice cream

97. I don’t like the fact that ben and jerry’s has a flavor named after the band named phish

98. I really enjoy clipping my toenails

99. I think that Aron Ralston {the guy who cut his hand off} is a really bad writer.

100. I love keri smith a lot